2.10 Sand In Unmentionable Places

Last time, El got hitched and Catherine proposed. This time, another wedding, family gossip, and a sandy honeymoon.

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Guess what today is.

Catherine: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH I’M SO EXCITED AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Go on, guess.

Ismael: Hmm, it seems locating stars is difficult when the sun is out…

Bro. Priorities.

Did you guess yet? Yup, it’s the day of Catherine and Ismael’s wedding.

Fortunately today’s weather is much better than the last time a wedding was held, so Catherine gets to show off both her race track and her fancy wedding gown. Brienne didn’t need to fight her over suitable wedding attire: Catherine already had a customized dress all picked out and decorated in her favorite color(sea foam).

As the guests start arriving, I took the opportunity to check out what’s been happening in the family tree.

Here we see cousin Deshaun (Connor’s son with Molly French) and El’s childhood friend Cheri, Agnes Crumplebottom’s daughter with Xandel Clavell. They’ve been married for a while now, and have a teenage son named Raul. Raul was not at the party because no one in the house has ever met him.

El shows up, heavily pregnant, but who’s that teen behind her?? A quick dig through the family tree panel shows that she’s Connie’s daughter Laquita. And she has a twin sister named Sylvia.

Laquita: Yeah, I kinda bullied Mom into letting me come along. She doesn’t really like this part of the family.

Jared isn’t sure how to interpret the news that his eldest daughter never contacted him about his granddaughters.

😥

In retrospect, this does explain the number of “Boast about Grandchildren” wishes he’s been rolling up. He knew, even when he didn’t really know.

Here you’ll notice that Connor is sobbing over the death of Tori Kimura: His first wife Molly died a long time ago, and he remarried Leo’s mom. Which means that El married her uncle’s stepson.

Every legacy has at least one marriage to someone very closely related or already somehow a part of the family tree, but I think that might be an all-time earliest case of a marriage that’s uncomfortably close to incest. I mean, Generation 2? Jeez.

Ismael’s dad Ethan VanWatson-Bunch is there to sob his heart out, copying Jared’s style. Ismael’s mom Madison unfortunately got tied up with her work as an important military official, but Ethan’s retired from being a doctor and has no obligations to keep him from his son’s wedding.

Ethan: Why couldn’t my son have been a normal, medicine-loving genius like me? Instead he married into the local weirdo family and started working as a ghost hunter. Now I’m standing next to a green kid surrounded by the smell of manure! Where did I go wrong?!

Tiff: Can I pleeeeease maul one of these losers?

No.

Tiff: Pretty please?

NO.

Dopy wedding face strikes again.

Catherine: Durrr

The bride and groom suck face, and everyone melts at the cute.

El: Ugh, is this the same cake from my wedding?

Catherine: Mm-hmm. If you hadn’t run off as soon as you tied the knot, maybe you would’ve gotten to eat it fresh.

Deshaun: Or, you could have thrown out the old one and gotten a fresh one.

Jared, wherever he is: I baked that damn cake, you ungrateful brats are gonna damn well eat it.

Catherine carefully avoids eye-contact with Deshaun. She remembers him ranting at her about unicorns as a teenager, which in light of recent events seems pretty suspicious. She makes a mental note to talk to him soon.

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Umm. You two know this isn’t your bed, right?

…

You guys?

*sigh* And so, Catherine and Ismael’s wedding was celebrated in El’s bed. Because they just couldn’t wait to go upstairs to their own. *headdesk*

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For their honeymoon, they head out to beautiful Al Simhara, because golden sands are romantic or something. (Also because Catherine has had a mission there to hunt down some flame fruit since she was a teen.)

 

Catherine: What in plumbob’s name are you wearing.

Ismael: It’s adventuring gear, dear! If I join you in investigating ancient tombs, I really should dress the part, no?

Ismael: My, this is exciting!

Catherine: Just…don’t touch anything, all right? These places are always full of hidden traps, you’d probably end up fried.

Ismael: Of course! I wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise!

Ismael, immediately touching something: Ooh, I wonder if there’s a mummy in here?

I swear, the man has the self-preservation instincts of a lemming.

A blissfully unaware Catherine investigates the rest of the pyramid. She’s hunting down some special glowing fruit that MorcuCorp wants to use in some sort of propulsion drive.

Ismael isn’t sure how exactly that would work, but he’s fascinated with finding out.

Mission completed, they decide to spend the night in their tent, instead of going back to base camp, because it’s exciting or something.

Ismael: Ooh, what’s this?

Ah hell.

Fuck.

Ismael: Dum de dum, what’s this? Oh, another relic to add to the collection.

Mummy: WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY SLUMBER

Ismael: Oh gosh this is SO COOL! I want to take a sample!

Like I said, the man’s a lemming.

Mummy: YOU! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS, WEAK MORTAL! I DEMAND A TITHE!

Ismael: Oh my. On second thought, maybe I am filled with mortal terror.

Thankfully, the mummy seems only interested in a candy in Ismael’s pocket, which it promptly swipes.

Mummy: THIS CHOCOLATE SNACK IS VERY TASTY. YOU MAY LEAVE WITH YOUR LIFE.

Ismael: Well, that was irritatingly anticlimactic. If he had killed me it would’ve been one hell of a way to go out.

Just be glad I had the foresight to give you a mummy snack, 0 martial arts skill man.

To wrap up the honeymoon, I gave them a day to do whatever they want at base camp. In typical newlywed fashion, they want to spend all their time sighing and staring into one another’s eyes.

*rock-a-bye baby plays*

And…*clears throat*…some other things.

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I swear, this family’s issues multiply every time I open the game. The revelation that Jared has unknowingly been a grandfather was both depressing and heartwarming. :’)

At least the wedding went as planned. No surprise elopement, no spontaneous fires, no constant miserable rain with shitty, shitty lighting… Really, what else can a Simmer hope for?

I realized as I was writing this chapter that the honeymoon portion was kind of focused on Ismael, which I didn’t intend. But, Catherine basically spent the whole time fulfilling adventuring wishes and doing missions, which everyone with WA has already played themselves, so I didn’t see the point in documenting it. *shrug*

This chapter is dedicated to LivvieLove, who recently came back from her own honeymoon! CONGRATULATIONS GIRL!!!!! Just for you, here’s a pic of your favorite badass dog:

AAAAHHHHHHH KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE

(Or, you know. Badass glitch.)

Thank you all for reading!

-Mo ❤